HOME!

So. The alligator has landed. I did finally make it home yesterday but it seems America knows I left and felt like taking a tooth out just to spite me for coming back and ever doubting its glorious magnificence blah blah blah... To explain, after a tense run through crowded streets to catch a 50 pound cab back to the airport, though the lines were quick and painless (damned UK efficiency) I had to sit in a flying tin sausage packed with screaming children and obnoxious teenagers. Normally I wouldn't mind screaming babies, it makes them easier to find. ;) But when they are closely supervised by useless parents? Come on, that does me absolutely no good. Then the stupid carts for every terrible tasteless bit of food they serve seemed incapable of missing my tail. I swear, I have a permanent notch in the end now. (Think of a reverse speed bump) And finally, once I squeezed out of the sausage and away from the screaming infants, US customs gives me crap about getting back in! Wildlife regulations and not being able to import meat and what not! So i coughed up one of those French rabbits and checked it as a carry on, sue me. I was hungry! So i had to leave my last french meal in a trash can with some chocolate, Cuban cigars and a British ventriloquist that mocked me outside some Soho pub. (How I forgot he was in my captains case I don't know) And that was just the plane ride home!
Then I get to the parking garage and it turns out my car got towed. So i had to squeeze through the fence, bite a guard and maim a german shepherd just to get my wheels back. (Didn't so much mind the last one, dog was pretty healthy, tasted like that rabbit a little, maybe it was just the fur in my teeth, but either way) Then, once I had acquired my ride once again, I make to the off ramp three exits away from home and i blow the engine. Cars smoking like a French prostitute and knocking like a drummer's diesel. I could literally hear the pistons as each one shut down. The idiots in front of me didn't notice the flashers of course so I couldn't even make it around the corner to the main street. Not having a phone since I was in Europe the past couple weeks, I had to slither my scaly little ass off the embankment and over to a gas station to call AAA. 3 hours and an ulcer later I was back home in my marvelous marshy little pool and begging for sleep. It was after midnight local time, thus 8am in my adjusted UK time and who knows what according to my body clock. So I naturally did what any smart person would do, cracked one of my souvenir bottles of Absynthe, poured a glass and partied till I passed out naked. Not a bad end to the ordeal I must say. Now I am well rested, hung over, and writing my memoir. What could be better? Though I do apologize for not updating again yesterday. And if you don't accept that then suck it and I'll bite your ass later. Ta =D