Oh the things I saw...

Well here they are. An alligators view of Europe. take a look and maybe you will see me, a reptilian where's Waldo if you will =D Though, I admit, I'm not in all of them. Enjoy.

Mmmmmm.... Rabbit a la francais, tasty =D

500 years old and 6 generations in the same family...just another hotel I guess.

It even has a desk! Slash window sill...slash table...slash counter?...Yeah...

Bastille Day...Big whoop.

BASTILLE DAY! WOW! (not really but it was pretty damn, well...pretty =D)

French carnies are worse than regular carnies. I swear, because they smell like cheese. Plus their French. Arrogant carnies? Honestly?

Awesome ferris wheel though, pitty I didn't trust it worth a scale and refused to get near it for fear of it collapsing on me.

They locked me up for biting one of the carnies...Damn Frenchmen.

HOME!

So. The alligator has landed. I did finally make it home yesterday but it seems America knows I left and felt like taking a tooth out just to spite me for coming back and ever doubting its glorious magnificence blah blah blah... To explain, after a tense run through crowded streets to catch a 50 pound cab back to the airport, though the lines were quick and painless (damned UK efficiency) I had to sit in a flying tin sausage packed with screaming children and obnoxious teenagers. Normally I wouldn't mind screaming babies, it makes them easier to find. ;) But when they are closely supervised by useless parents? Come on, that does me absolutely no good. Then the stupid carts for every terrible tasteless bit of food they serve seemed incapable of missing my tail. I swear, I have a permanent notch in the end now. (Think of a reverse speed bump) And finally, once I squeezed out of the sausage and away from the screaming infants, US customs gives me crap about getting back in! Wildlife regulations and not being able to import meat and what not! So i coughed up one of those French rabbits and checked it as a carry on, sue me. I was hungry! So i had to leave my last french meal in a trash can with some chocolate, Cuban cigars and a British ventriloquist that mocked me outside some Soho pub. (How I forgot he was in my captains case I don't know) And that was just the plane ride home!
Then I get to the parking garage and it turns out my car got towed. So i had to squeeze through the fence, bite a guard and maim a german shepherd just to get my wheels back. (Didn't so much mind the last one, dog was pretty healthy, tasted like that rabbit a little, maybe it was just the fur in my teeth, but either way) Then, once I had acquired my ride once again, I make to the off ramp three exits away from home and i blow the engine. Cars smoking like a French prostitute and knocking like a drummer's diesel. I could literally hear the pistons as each one shut down. The idiots in front of me didn't notice the flashers of course so I couldn't even make it around the corner to the main street. Not having a phone since I was in Europe the past couple weeks, I had to slither my scaly little ass off the embankment and over to a gas station to call AAA. 3 hours and an ulcer later I was back home in my marvelous marshy little pool and begging for sleep. It was after midnight local time, thus 8am in my adjusted UK time and who knows what according to my body clock. So I naturally did what any smart person would do, cracked one of my souvenir bottles of Absynthe, poured a glass and partied till I passed out naked. Not a bad end to the ordeal I must say. Now I am well rested, hung over, and writing my memoir. What could be better? Though I do apologize for not updating again yesterday. And if you don't accept that then suck it and I'll bite your ass later. Ta =D

A Smell is worth a thousand pounds...or euro...

So it's my last day here. I need to go home. I haven't understood a complete sentence in over a week. I've realized I'm an American. I mean, it is my species. The world has a lot to offer and I was luckily able to get a taste of it. (The Parisian rabbits were amazing!) It is the little differences between where you come from and where you are at the moment that strike you the most. The lack of trash cans, abundance of dogs, lack of deodorant use. It's the decorated boarded up windows (honestly, the UK even decorates the boards on their abandoned buildings, like stained glass windows with wood, crazy cool stuff). It's the Royal with cheese, the military with weapons from 1954 or ancient fuzzy hats and parachute pants. But most of all it's the people. The smelly dirty well dressed deusche bag people that inhabit the world that make you miss home. Sure they're still deusche bags, but they're not MY deusche bags. The good old American boys with star tattoos and faux hawks, pimped out trucks and Escalades on 26s while they still live with their mom on section 8. (and I mean that in the most loving way possible. I wouldn't maim them if I could...well maybe some of them but who wouldn't =P) I mean the world is a great place and I really appreciate all the diverse ways of doing things but I like the comforts of home. I miss fried foods and bland vegetables, its a real mind blower to think the vegetables are tastier than that 8oz deli slice they call steaks here. It's all good though. I'll be back soon most definitely. For now it's dreams of home back in the states. Night my friends. The journey is soon to be complete, unfortunately with documentation to match. Enjoy! More will follow.

The Arc De Triomphe was actuall pretty cool.

(Except for that tourist grabbing my ass =p)

I was in awe...or yawning, one of the two.

Boning up on my Parisian landmarks.

See what happens when you drink kids?

Hmm...Foot fetishes go WAY back apparently.

Hardcore statue spit in my mouth hahaha.

No. More. Beeeeeerrrrrrrr....Ughhh...

Bonne Nuit...

This country really isn't so bad when you get used to it. Sure the locals smell like cheese and hate Americans. Sure there are gypsies that call you "Ashhole" when you don't read their stupid signs. And yeah the streets are disgustingly dirty and reek of urine, but have you ever been to LA? It's really quite charming once you get used to it. The cabs are cheap, food is fresh and booze is plentiful. It's nice to look around and see stores and restaurants with real signs instead of neon glow worms for giant corporations. It's quaint. Like the people version of a nice florida swamp. (Smells about the same at least) All the buildings are beautifully adorned with hand carved angels and gargoyles and lions. My mouth waters just thinking about it. Like giant chickens with less feathers to cough up =D And the bums here have rabbits! How cool is that? I've already had three! (I tossed the bums a few euro so it was cool) I've got to say though, the Mona Lisa, BFD. Totally unimpressed. I saw a million other pieces of art that were way more inspiring. Those statues were amazing! The Louvre in general was pretty incredible. And Notre Dame was awesome too. Sadly the priests weren't too keen on Alligators in their church. Something about all the screaming children. Apparently they were fine before I got there. Whatever. But yeah. Great day but I'm spent. 10 miles a day on foot, rough stuff. My ass has road rash. (Quite literally. Stupid cobblestones.) Pictures will be up in the morning, I know you can't wait ;p Bonne nuit mes amis...

Mutiny!

So now we have a bit of etiquette to discuss. When someone is asleep but has taken the time to wash up and remove their shoes, they are safe! I can understand having passed out on a lawn in public, couch in the hotel, seat in a restaurant (All examples this crazy place has shown me so far). But really? Asleep in their own bed! Thats not right. Can't an alligator fall asleep in any comfort? Maybe just knowing he is safe from documented abuse no matter how drunk he is? No many how many beers followed by bottles of wine followed by beers followed by Wallabies (Grand Mariner, Malibu, Beer and some other crap. Terrible terrible concoction) hes had? I was in my own bloody hotel room! Damn Americans. Can't trust your own countrymen in a foreign country...What the shark is that? Inevitably pictures will follow, I'm just so glad I left the cord in London really.
Bastille day fireworks were incredible by the way, not aesthetically advanced, but you can't beat a display coming off the Eiffel tower! Pictures to come =D

La Militaire Mal

So today was Bastille Day in France. Total coincidence I'm here on their national holiday. It was cool to see all their jets fly over head streaming their national colors. Helicopters and other fireworks followed. There was a parade of military vehicles and police. I've got to say though, their military kind of blows. No wonder they can't keep their people in line or protect their borders. We've bailed them out of 3 wars I can name off the top of my scaley little head but I wouldn't be surprised if it were more. Honestly! Granted we fat americans spend an absurd amount of money on our military, but tractors? In a military parade? That can't really be the best you've got. I saw more sophisticated hardware in farms out in Louisiana. They had tractors, ancient jeeps, and a bunch of Nam era artillery and vehicles. My jaws pack more power than some of their assault vehicles. Ridiculous. Not a single stealth bomber or Apache helicopter, there were a few ancient tanks but they were massively out numbered by 88' VW trucks with 50mm guns taped to the top. There was a single modern military hummer and lord were the ones riding that one smiling! Other than the parade though (Which took 2 hours to pass a mile and a half :/) it was a wonderful day.
The Arc de Triomphe is amazing! Massive and so intricately carved everywhere. Too many man parts if you ask me though. I swear, does a military tribute really need that many exposed phalluses? I've heard of the military being the cock and balls of a country but geeze at least put on some boxers! =P Well enough of that. Off for more tasty french food! Au revoir!

Bonjour de France!

Not really, more like sort of ok, somewhat tolerable day from France. I've been to swamps in 6 states and 3 countries, but holy cow (not the Hindu kind, the tasty swiss cheese kind) this place is filthy! You know, you think you've seen gross in a 4,000 year old swamp with all sorts of decaying plant and animal parts but wow, it's nothing like this. I thought that rotting deer I forgot to finish smelled, but try walking through an unbathed maze with no sewers where people, LITERALLY, just drop the kids off on the sidewalk (not the pool). Honestly, I saw it. I'd post a pic but will spare you the visual. Not pleasant when half you're body drags on the ground more often than not.
But aside from the ripe cheddar smell of the locals, suffocating cigarette smog and deafening traffic, it's quite a beautiful place really. =D It's amazing to be in a city where so many incredible and influential people have been: Picasso, Hemingway, and a whole array of others I'm too tired to think of. It really is inspiring.
Notre Dame, the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the city in general are all amazing! Everything is hand carved stone and adorned with all sorts of tasty looking statues. I even had the pleasure of staying in a 500 year old hotel thats been in the same family for the last 6 generations. Unfortunately it been in the same state since then e.g. amazingly uneven and unsafe wooden spiral staircase, suffocatingly small rooms (even for an alligator) and NO WIFI! I almost died, honestly, luckily a patron coming down the stairs landed on my tail, which hung out the door and woke me up. My room was quite literally beneath the staircase like a cupboard. I left my camera cord back in London so regrettably can't show you yet. Epic travel fail I know. Stupid camera's been nothing but issues the whole trip. I swear I could bite my own tail right now. But I digress, the pictures will be up asap.
Today is the 120th anniversary of the Eiffel Tower so everythings closed except the bars and parade routes! Hooray for coincidental destiny! I love to drink, today is their drunkest day of the year, thus destiny! Au revoir mes amis! I'm off for a crepe and a cold pint =D Wish me luck!

And it don't stop!

Here are some more lovely picacatures from the glorious Westminster Abbey, House of Parliment, Big Ben, London Tower, Tower Bridge...yeah...now you see why I'm done with all the bloody walking aye? (How the accent? Good? Well stones to you if it's not anyway! =P) It was a pleasant day though, saw some relatives, held the clockface all Peter Pan style (Hook movie style, not MJ naughty priest have some wine and don't tell mum style) and even made some new friends. Quite a welcoming bunch these Brits are. Enjoy =D

Mmmmm....Time...

Look! My brother from a granite mother!

She's got some tasty looking toes...mmhhmmhh

Look out! IT'S GODZILLA! "Raaaaawwwrr?" ;P

Nice chaps these ones! =D

I was hungry for...well...you get it... Good think I didn't make the joke there. Parliment police can be quite touchy when you mention them like that. ;p

Son of a pheasant fluttered up there right when I closed in...

Tower Bridge mates!

Looking down river from the catwalk up top...Kind of disappointing how few cats there are up there. I was quite hungry really...

Well Finally!

So after two days, at least twenty miles, two glasses of absynthe, and a pair of twins trying to sell me a rub and tug (trying to screw me on the beastiality fee, I've got their number!) I've finally recovered my camera. The pub owner thought it mighty silly I was going through so much trouble to get a camera, seeing as I don't have thumbs and all. But whatever. I gave him a quick hiss and smile, he wet himself, and I was on my way again.

I'm not a morning reptile.

I started with a nice juicy Brat...mmmmm....then it was on through Picadilly Circus


I made it onto the center fountain for a picture, then saw a tasty fish and went for it, but sadly I missed and ended up with a mouthful of whatever that damn thing is made out of instead ;D

Bollox

No. More. Walking! Bloody hell mates its like you wanna make me boots before I'm dead yet!

Sure I saw Big Ben, the house of Parliment, Westminster Abbey, London Bridge, Waterloo Bridge, City Hall, the Tower of London, Tower Bridge, the Globe Theatre, but who the hell cares! (Not true I'm sure healthy Europeans loved every second of the hike.) I'm just tired and cranky now I suppose. Lord it was a wonderful day tho! Pix are uploading and You'll be seeing me soon! Stupid wall safe locked me out for now. I swear, this country must have a thing against so hot a cold blooded creature ;P

Cheers!

It isn't easy being Green...

You know what, green gets a bad rap. Snakes, boogers, the root of all evil (money, well, in the US anyway. They've got all kinds of screwy rainbow bills here in the UK). But it really is good stuff. The squash on my specialty pizza, delicious. The lettuce and avocado in my ORGANIC chicken salad, amazing! (Really big on that vegetarian/organic stuff here. Not a personal fan but it's good to go green ;p) The glorious shimmer of my glossy green scales, absolutely mesmerizing. But best of all is the brilliant neon green glow of a freshly poured glass of Absynthe.  Yes there are countless other unnamed emerald wonders, but the point is it is all green and it is all great! You've gotta love the UK! Who doesn't love double decker busses, left handed shifting and hallucinogenic alcohol?

Although, in slinking around I have noticed a few less than desirable commonalities in this country. Firstly, where the hell are all the trash cans! It's a magnificently clean country but where is one to dispose of a Mars bar wrapper or freshly finished can of beer? It's great that you can drink in public almost anywhere but honestly! To avoid pegging other annoying tourists takes a lot of strength mate! Personal will power and all that bollox. Especially when you could pull off a crotch shot at 20 yards and that jabbering japanese tour bus seems to be following you, but now how would that reflect on my beloved country?

Secondly, what does it take to get a decent cut of meat around here? A LARGE 8oz steak for nearly 20 pounds? No. No bloody way. A proper 16oz steak maybe, but blogger in cyberspace I'm AMERICAN! Give me a damn cow already! I should at least have the OPTION to eat myself into an early grave. Yes they're healthier here, yes they watch their portions more, but am I really supposed to suffer through a mouthful and call it a meal? I think not. But after all, I am an Alligator. So I bought 4 stole the silverware and got the hell out. Thats all for now. Cheerio Chaps! (My accents better already! ;p)

"Yeah London! You know fish, chips, cup o' tea, bad weather, worse food, Mary fucking Poppins, London!" Cousin Avey - Snatch (Another fantastic movie btw! ;)

Here are a few links to take a look at the things I've seen today.

Windsor Castle

Picadilly Circus Photos

Buckingham Palace

And this is a great money saving tool I found, it paid for itsef twice over the first day!
London Pass

(They have it for NY, Paris and other cities too!)

Enjoy =D

I'm a Royal Pain

Windsor castle was amazing! It's too bad they only had a dry moat or else I would have applied for a job. The artwork and architecture was incredible. I couldn't believe there was a thousand years of history there. Buckingham palace had nothing on that castle. Changing of the gaurd was quite boring honestly. And those silly hats reminded me of some old skunks I ate back in 02. I took a picture with them anyway though, no laughs but I think I got a small grin and a nod for sure haha.

Eton and Windsor townes were quaint and inviting. I was low on pounds so took a bite at some GIGANTIC swans in the river Thames. Great great day. Great pictures to come.

No More Guiness

Guiness is not made for Alligators. As it was I had to smile nice and wide to convince the barkeep to serve me at all. (chuckle chuckle chuckle) It was good for the first pint but 3 or 4 and the roast duck tends to come up, not quite the same coming out as going in. Lemonade sherry tho, thats more my style. I'm a summer anyway.
I also managed to leave my camera somewhere in Soho...going to get it later it's just a bit of a pain for now. Beautiful area that Soho is. But who the hell named Picadilly? Wouldn't mind a lily(pond) but really? Picadilly? Might as well call it grab my willy road. But enough of that. Today is gonna be a great day.
I'm on my way to see if a talking alligator is enough to get one of those fluffy hatted wanker gaurds to smile, or shite himself, either way. Cheers! =D

Welcome to the UK

So after a grueling 10hr flight, I've finally made it to the UK. It was pretty painless getting out of the country, i guess no one cares if you leave it's just a scale puller to get back in. And as far as air travel goes, Virgin Atlantic isn't too bad. The seats were alright and the food was salty. Beef stew! I'm all about it. It beats killing a cow myself...those were dark times for me....but I did get to sleep most of the way! That was nice.
London Heathrow Airport wasn't too bad. The longest entryway ever though! With 4 inch legs it takes a while to get around. It was miserable. I got my tail stepped on by rambunctious 3 year olds, caught a toenail in the moving sidewalk, and waited an hour just to flash a passport and get asked why I was coming to the country, to which I answered,"I'm here for the gangbang." (Old School anyone? Come on, great movie. Watch it! NOW! =P) Yeah, she didn't think it was too funny either, but let me in anyway.
So watch out London! Alex is on the loose!

Ready to GO!!!

10 hours is a long time! So I took a nap =D

An Alligators Introduction

This is the tale of Alligator travels in the wide world.

My name is Alex. I am an American Alligator from the humid swamps of Florida. I moved to Los Angeles a number of years ago to pursue and acting career. After a few roles in Lake Placid and Lake Placid 2 I decided the limelight was not for me. I took a job at a local lake as a tour guide but have since tired of it. I got fired last month for biting an abnoxious 23 year old who would not stop asking me how it felt to lay eggs out of my rear orifice. Needless to say, I did the right thing instead of explaing my sex and other specifics. Now it's off to Europe in search of a fresh start.

To begin the end...

And thus the journey begins at the end. The end of a chapter in my life, but the start of a new adventure. My life in the swamp of Los Angeles has been a good one, filled with fly infested summers and suicide inducing traffic. Sky scrapers lost in smog. Beaches foaming at the mouth and a nice private pond to call home.

I've recently grown weary of this place. It's a beautiful city but honestly, no place for an Alligator of my stature. London seems much more inviting to a reptile like myself. Sweet rain and green grass. Rolling hills and a filthy stretch of river full of fish. 

I've said my goodbyes. Packed my bags. Filled a flask full of whiskey and made some muskrat jerky for the trip. All in all, I think I'm ready.

I depart in a few short hours for the biggest city in Europe and could not be more thrilled. I've even been working on my English English. So wish me luck!

SLAG OFF YA DIRTY WANKERS!

Translation:(Bye everyone I'll miss you!)

Here are a few of the parting pictures.



I think Garfield may have been stoned.

Odie will miss me the most he said.

It was a tearful goodbye...