Oh the things I saw...

Well here they are. An alligators view of Europe. take a look and maybe you will see me, a reptilian where's Waldo if you will =D Though, I admit, I'm not in all of them. Enjoy.

Mmmmmm.... Rabbit a la francais, tasty =D

500 years old and 6 generations in the same family...just another hotel I guess.

It even has a desk! Slash window sill...slash table...slash counter?...Yeah...

Bastille Day...Big whoop.

BASTILLE DAY! WOW! (not really but it was pretty damn, well...pretty =D)

French carnies are worse than regular carnies. I swear, because they smell like cheese. Plus their French. Arrogant carnies? Honestly?

Awesome ferris wheel though, pitty I didn't trust it worth a scale and refused to get near it for fear of it collapsing on me.

They locked me up for biting one of the carnies...Damn Frenchmen.

HOME!

So. The alligator has landed. I did finally make it home yesterday but it seems America knows I left and felt like taking a tooth out just to spite me for coming back and ever doubting its glorious magnificence blah blah blah... To explain, after a tense run through crowded streets to catch a 50 pound cab back to the airport, though the lines were quick and painless (damned UK efficiency) I had to sit in a flying tin sausage packed with screaming children and obnoxious teenagers. Normally I wouldn't mind screaming babies, it makes them easier to find. ;) But when they are closely supervised by useless parents? Come on, that does me absolutely no good. Then the stupid carts for every terrible tasteless bit of food they serve seemed incapable of missing my tail. I swear, I have a permanent notch in the end now. (Think of a reverse speed bump) And finally, once I squeezed out of the sausage and away from the screaming infants, US customs gives me crap about getting back in! Wildlife regulations and not being able to import meat and what not! So i coughed up one of those French rabbits and checked it as a carry on, sue me. I was hungry! So i had to leave my last french meal in a trash can with some chocolate, Cuban cigars and a British ventriloquist that mocked me outside some Soho pub. (How I forgot he was in my captains case I don't know) And that was just the plane ride home!
Then I get to the parking garage and it turns out my car got towed. So i had to squeeze through the fence, bite a guard and maim a german shepherd just to get my wheels back. (Didn't so much mind the last one, dog was pretty healthy, tasted like that rabbit a little, maybe it was just the fur in my teeth, but either way) Then, once I had acquired my ride once again, I make to the off ramp three exits away from home and i blow the engine. Cars smoking like a French prostitute and knocking like a drummer's diesel. I could literally hear the pistons as each one shut down. The idiots in front of me didn't notice the flashers of course so I couldn't even make it around the corner to the main street. Not having a phone since I was in Europe the past couple weeks, I had to slither my scaly little ass off the embankment and over to a gas station to call AAA. 3 hours and an ulcer later I was back home in my marvelous marshy little pool and begging for sleep. It was after midnight local time, thus 8am in my adjusted UK time and who knows what according to my body clock. So I naturally did what any smart person would do, cracked one of my souvenir bottles of Absynthe, poured a glass and partied till I passed out naked. Not a bad end to the ordeal I must say. Now I am well rested, hung over, and writing my memoir. What could be better? Though I do apologize for not updating again yesterday. And if you don't accept that then suck it and I'll bite your ass later. Ta =D

A Smell is worth a thousand pounds...or euro...

So it's my last day here. I need to go home. I haven't understood a complete sentence in over a week. I've realized I'm an American. I mean, it is my species. The world has a lot to offer and I was luckily able to get a taste of it. (The Parisian rabbits were amazing!) It is the little differences between where you come from and where you are at the moment that strike you the most. The lack of trash cans, abundance of dogs, lack of deodorant use. It's the decorated boarded up windows (honestly, the UK even decorates the boards on their abandoned buildings, like stained glass windows with wood, crazy cool stuff). It's the Royal with cheese, the military with weapons from 1954 or ancient fuzzy hats and parachute pants. But most of all it's the people. The smelly dirty well dressed deusche bag people that inhabit the world that make you miss home. Sure they're still deusche bags, but they're not MY deusche bags. The good old American boys with star tattoos and faux hawks, pimped out trucks and Escalades on 26s while they still live with their mom on section 8. (and I mean that in the most loving way possible. I wouldn't maim them if I could...well maybe some of them but who wouldn't =P) I mean the world is a great place and I really appreciate all the diverse ways of doing things but I like the comforts of home. I miss fried foods and bland vegetables, its a real mind blower to think the vegetables are tastier than that 8oz deli slice they call steaks here. It's all good though. I'll be back soon most definitely. For now it's dreams of home back in the states. Night my friends. The journey is soon to be complete, unfortunately with documentation to match. Enjoy! More will follow.

The Arc De Triomphe was actuall pretty cool.

(Except for that tourist grabbing my ass =p)

I was in awe...or yawning, one of the two.

Boning up on my Parisian landmarks.

See what happens when you drink kids?

Hmm...Foot fetishes go WAY back apparently.

Hardcore statue spit in my mouth hahaha.

No. More. Beeeeeerrrrrrrr....Ughhh...

Bonne Nuit...

This country really isn't so bad when you get used to it. Sure the locals smell like cheese and hate Americans. Sure there are gypsies that call you "Ashhole" when you don't read their stupid signs. And yeah the streets are disgustingly dirty and reek of urine, but have you ever been to LA? It's really quite charming once you get used to it. The cabs are cheap, food is fresh and booze is plentiful. It's nice to look around and see stores and restaurants with real signs instead of neon glow worms for giant corporations. It's quaint. Like the people version of a nice florida swamp. (Smells about the same at least) All the buildings are beautifully adorned with hand carved angels and gargoyles and lions. My mouth waters just thinking about it. Like giant chickens with less feathers to cough up =D And the bums here have rabbits! How cool is that? I've already had three! (I tossed the bums a few euro so it was cool) I've got to say though, the Mona Lisa, BFD. Totally unimpressed. I saw a million other pieces of art that were way more inspiring. Those statues were amazing! The Louvre in general was pretty incredible. And Notre Dame was awesome too. Sadly the priests weren't too keen on Alligators in their church. Something about all the screaming children. Apparently they were fine before I got there. Whatever. But yeah. Great day but I'm spent. 10 miles a day on foot, rough stuff. My ass has road rash. (Quite literally. Stupid cobblestones.) Pictures will be up in the morning, I know you can't wait ;p Bonne nuit mes amis...

Mutiny!

So now we have a bit of etiquette to discuss. When someone is asleep but has taken the time to wash up and remove their shoes, they are safe! I can understand having passed out on a lawn in public, couch in the hotel, seat in a restaurant (All examples this crazy place has shown me so far). But really? Asleep in their own bed! Thats not right. Can't an alligator fall asleep in any comfort? Maybe just knowing he is safe from documented abuse no matter how drunk he is? No many how many beers followed by bottles of wine followed by beers followed by Wallabies (Grand Mariner, Malibu, Beer and some other crap. Terrible terrible concoction) hes had? I was in my own bloody hotel room! Damn Americans. Can't trust your own countrymen in a foreign country...What the shark is that? Inevitably pictures will follow, I'm just so glad I left the cord in London really.
Bastille day fireworks were incredible by the way, not aesthetically advanced, but you can't beat a display coming off the Eiffel tower! Pictures to come =D

La Militaire Mal

So today was Bastille Day in France. Total coincidence I'm here on their national holiday. It was cool to see all their jets fly over head streaming their national colors. Helicopters and other fireworks followed. There was a parade of military vehicles and police. I've got to say though, their military kind of blows. No wonder they can't keep their people in line or protect their borders. We've bailed them out of 3 wars I can name off the top of my scaley little head but I wouldn't be surprised if it were more. Honestly! Granted we fat americans spend an absurd amount of money on our military, but tractors? In a military parade? That can't really be the best you've got. I saw more sophisticated hardware in farms out in Louisiana. They had tractors, ancient jeeps, and a bunch of Nam era artillery and vehicles. My jaws pack more power than some of their assault vehicles. Ridiculous. Not a single stealth bomber or Apache helicopter, there were a few ancient tanks but they were massively out numbered by 88' VW trucks with 50mm guns taped to the top. There was a single modern military hummer and lord were the ones riding that one smiling! Other than the parade though (Which took 2 hours to pass a mile and a half :/) it was a wonderful day.
The Arc de Triomphe is amazing! Massive and so intricately carved everywhere. Too many man parts if you ask me though. I swear, does a military tribute really need that many exposed phalluses? I've heard of the military being the cock and balls of a country but geeze at least put on some boxers! =P Well enough of that. Off for more tasty french food! Au revoir!

Bonjour de France!

Not really, more like sort of ok, somewhat tolerable day from France. I've been to swamps in 6 states and 3 countries, but holy cow (not the Hindu kind, the tasty swiss cheese kind) this place is filthy! You know, you think you've seen gross in a 4,000 year old swamp with all sorts of decaying plant and animal parts but wow, it's nothing like this. I thought that rotting deer I forgot to finish smelled, but try walking through an unbathed maze with no sewers where people, LITERALLY, just drop the kids off on the sidewalk (not the pool). Honestly, I saw it. I'd post a pic but will spare you the visual. Not pleasant when half you're body drags on the ground more often than not.
But aside from the ripe cheddar smell of the locals, suffocating cigarette smog and deafening traffic, it's quite a beautiful place really. =D It's amazing to be in a city where so many incredible and influential people have been: Picasso, Hemingway, and a whole array of others I'm too tired to think of. It really is inspiring.
Notre Dame, the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the city in general are all amazing! Everything is hand carved stone and adorned with all sorts of tasty looking statues. I even had the pleasure of staying in a 500 year old hotel thats been in the same family for the last 6 generations. Unfortunately it been in the same state since then e.g. amazingly uneven and unsafe wooden spiral staircase, suffocatingly small rooms (even for an alligator) and NO WIFI! I almost died, honestly, luckily a patron coming down the stairs landed on my tail, which hung out the door and woke me up. My room was quite literally beneath the staircase like a cupboard. I left my camera cord back in London so regrettably can't show you yet. Epic travel fail I know. Stupid camera's been nothing but issues the whole trip. I swear I could bite my own tail right now. But I digress, the pictures will be up asap.
Today is the 120th anniversary of the Eiffel Tower so everythings closed except the bars and parade routes! Hooray for coincidental destiny! I love to drink, today is their drunkest day of the year, thus destiny! Au revoir mes amis! I'm off for a crepe and a cold pint =D Wish me luck!